What your ZOOM mis-en-scene says about you

These are rare times; rare times indeed. Frightening, Orwellian. UNPRECEDENTED. To borrow from a favoured Times journalist, how I positively long for precedented times. No no, ’tis not Corona of which I speak. Yawn. That old chestnut. For never before in the history of, well, history, shall we ever again (God willing) suffer such intimate glimpses into the familiar home comforts and at times ghastly surrounds of friends, family, VIPs, very VIPs, and some not so very VIPs.

It is in these curious times of WFH ZOOM ubiquity the critic in me is giddy with curiosity and gleeful scorn in equal measure. I can’t help it, my inner Llewelyn-Bowen has been spying ‘Changing Room’ candidates a-plenty. The last few days in particular have tossed up the usual ‘Grammable mis en scenes in tandem with some rather unfortunate inferior interiors.

So, which ZOOM tribe are you?

THE EXPERT- can’t swing a bored-isolating cat two meters (stand BACK) without encountering an expert of some iteration or other these days. The virologist, the psychologist, the economist, the virologist, the behavioural scientist, the virologist. We can’t get enough of them. Books, books and more books– marketing their ‘take me seriously’ academic gravitas mingled with a soupçon of middle-class privilege– ‘I’m an expert, you see? with space aplenty in my detached house for a dedicated office. “Quarantine EVERYTHING. We should have done this WEEKS ago” Quite. But then, do not suspect we’ll spy any one of them queueing down the Job Centre anytime soon.

THE (LABOUR) MP-  At sixes and sevens now Rishi and the Tories have so unequivocally stolen their thunder, never before have Labour been rendered so utterly bamboozled, rudderless and desperately seeking their relevance. Every cloud. 70′s inspired embossed wall paper in magnolia, and a paint-by-numbers mountain scene in the background reminds me of my dentist’s office as a child. I half suspect there’s a short stack of vintage ‘Highlights’ periodicals resting on a Pledge-polished side table.  Predictable, one-with-the-people, care home-chic ripe for renovation. Tragic.

THE ACTOR-CUM-ACTIVIST- Aren’t they all these days? Self-conscious, contrived and achingly hipster. Exposed brick wall, oak shelving and stove-fire crackling in the background, hinting inimitable taste whilst apologising for their wealth at the same time. Preachy and brimming with positivity on Newsnight video link lauding the much deserved ‘clap for our carers’ whereby they caught a neighbourly wave from the locals. Doesn’t it warm the cockles? No doubt a rare occurrence from the isolated confines of their ten acre pile in the Cotswolds.

THE CABINET MINISTER- Self-isolating and stricken with the DEADLY COVID 19 , (just to clarify.) Perhaps the most endearing of all– a living room of taupe and beige, shelves heaving with family photos, books and the odd boardgame– distinctly unpretentious, ‘dad-ish’ surrounds. It screams- ‘I’ve got this self-isolating malarky cracked, but still have the authority to run the country.’

THE ‘GRAMMER- Hunkering down, Cobham style with soothing surrounds straight outta Elle Decor. We see them situated in their solid wood Neptune shaker kitchen of Cornforth White, Purbeck Stone and colour-pop island in front of the AGA. They easily hop from here to an achingly tasteful living area (open plan) of soothing tonal F&B colour charts– Mizzle and Elephant’s Breath, or else flirting with trendier Downpipe and Plummet.  Diptyque candles flicker on the mantel beside a vase of fresh tulips. Zombie apocalypse? Pah. These are professionals people. Do not attempt this at home.

THE SECOND HOMER- Ignoring irate locals to stay away, the great escape from London continues to the far reaches of Cornwall, Wales, Wittering et al. Smug social distancing by the seaside is all the rage, but working that ZOOM angle to capture one’s lavender and daffodil bedecked five acres in the country or North Sea vista is causing some serious RSI.

THE CELEBRITY- Really. Who cares?