The Great H2O Hoax

Small changes. That’s what all the lifestyle gurus are punting this year. 2018 is all about keeping it small; making a series of tidy, realistic, achievable goals offering quick and easily achievable bursts of self-satisfaction. Monumental, life-changing resolutions doomed to failure do more harm than good; so the theory goes. I’m all for it. With this in mind I had a think, and please, allow me this once to step on my soapbox and get a bit sudsy, I thought I’d try to be a better steward of the earth. After all, I’m in ok (enough) shape and as for that publishing deal? Earth to January. But something slip streaming more and more into the public consciousness is our unmitigated addiction to plastic, so I’m resolving to use less of it and ask my tens of readers to join me. Bit crunchy for me, but needs must. In truth, it’s not as herculean as it sounds and we can all start with the monumental scourge that is BOTTLED WATER. Or what should otherwise be known as THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MARKETING CON OF THE 20th CENTURY. 

This, and breakfast biscuits (which in fairness I must profess to LOVE). But plastic bottled water? WAKE UP. The joke’s on us, folks.

“Hang on, you want us to sell WHAT? Pull the other one. What sorta knucklehead idea is that? You’re dreamin’. It’ll never catch on.” 

That’s right. We’re all being fooled, hoodwinked and suckered by some very clever bottling company big wigs (helped in no small part by trendy health nuts insisting we drink gallons of the stuff to survive) who had the genius idea to package good ole’ fashioned H2O in covetable, colourful plastic and market it as an enchanted elixir with magical powers we must buy or else risk living a sad, deprived, dull life of life-endangering dehydration.

Tap water? Pfff.. for the peasants. And we bought it- hook, line and lead sinker.

I probably should drink more water. Ok, I know I should drink more, but silly me, I’m going to say what we’re not supposed to say…  are you sitting down?   I drink when I’m thirsty. That I’m still alive is nothing short of a modern medical miracle. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret, we’re not going to shrivel into Yoda if we don’t drink 15 gallons of water daily. There. I said it. You hear me Elle ‘I drink no less than 3 litres of water a day’ Macpherson? 3 litres? 3 litres?! 3 LITRES?!!! Have you tried drinking 3 litres of water in one day?  It’s a bloody full-time job, best left to famous ageing models and the perennially self-absorbed with the wherewithal to frolic in the ocean and namaste all day long. Forget working, eating, curating an achingly enviable Instagram feed. You’ll have to leave all that to your PA. Gulp-gulp, loo, gulp-gulp, loo, gulp-gulp, loo. That’s what the day looks like. I’ve tried it, unsuccessfully I might add, boring as FECK, and the real kicker? I still didn’t look like her.

Here’s a history lesson, the Tudors daren’t even drink their own water for fear of dysentery. That’s right. HELL NO H2O. Their tipple of choice was ale, wine or mead. Bleeaacchh. Sure, they had an average life span of 35 and suffered chronic gout, but the human race survived. Just. Anyway, the point is they were more likely to die of beheading than dehydration. Suddenly that tap water doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?

My family across the pond, God love them, ship it in by the truckload, Dasani their poison of choice, and go through it like, well… water. Drives me spare. And they’re hardly unique. America tosses out over 50 billion plastic water bottles every year.

50. BILLION.

That’s just rude.

We’re not much better here in Blighty, and with China slamming the door on our recycling there’s no better time to fall back in love with the faucet. Not convinced? Sipping snobs, buy a Brita and filter to your to little heart’s content, get yourself a re-usable bottle and drink away. But it’s about time we call bullshit on the rest of it. There’s nothing enlightening about Evian, virtuous in Volvic, divine in Dasani or clever about Smart Water (other than the cunning market manipulation fleecing the average Joe a few quid for a basic utility). Whilst we’re on the subject, add straws to this. Chokes the poor seagulls and gives one terrible smoker’s lips.

Presto. Save the planet and your bank balance.

You’re welcome.

Happy New Year!