Top 10 signs you may be UNCOOL

Girlfriends, significant others and plus ones, we like to think of ourselves as fun, relaxed, easy going, no-fuss partners. We strive to be the cool bird– you know encouraging boys’ nights out, tagging along only occasionally– going pint for pint enough to be a good sport, but not so much as to be clingy or laddish, cheering on the side and talking the off-side rule with confidence (which face it boys, is hardly the rocket science you make it out to be) and perfecting the tricky art of invisible make-up.  Because no man likes a trussed-up dolly bird, preferring us all to be ‘au natural’. (Sure they do. If only they knew.) Ah… the throes of youth when we have the time to calculate and maximise our behaviour-to-coolness ratio. Bless. Those were the days.

Then come marriage and kids, (after having bagged ya man for being so ‘down’) and slowly you realise they toss a big fat spanner in your inner-cooldom, smashing it to pieces and nigh oblivion. Or in my case, total extinction. This past week doused the last burning embers. Completely off-script The Man came home a wee bit worse for wear after a rogue bender and Yours Truly suffered a mild (severe) sense of humour failure. I don’t begrudge a night out (or lunch, ahem), and often encourage it. Really… Sometimes. But I’m all about expectation management. Don’t blindside me. Live it. Learn it. (Though being entirely honest, I’m not convinced expecting it would have been much better.) Perhaps it’s because I can toss back tequila chasers with Slash into the wee hours and still be up at the crack of dawn (it’s a gift) or that I make a wretched nurse with out a shred of sympathy for the (self-inflicted) infirm, I was simmering. Dinner scrapped, plans scuppered the next day, I was IN A MOOD. Moving on.

Does this make me uncool? Irrationally irritable? Both? Probably. Alas, I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m no longer that go-with-the-flow, ‘whatever works for you dear’ kinda gal. In short, I’m no longer that COOL BIRD. (Was I ever??)

So it made me think, what other telltale signs are there of one’s luke warm-ity

10. You wear makeup. And it shows.

9. You’ve ever bought one or more Coldplay albums.

8. You’re a Tory.

7. You send Christmas cards littered with photos of your offspring and Fido, carefully omitting the apostrophe. (It’s plural people, not possessive.)

6. You DON’T bake. Same goes for knitting, crocheting, sewing and anything upon which you might slap the label ‘artisan’. So conventionally uncool it’s positively sub-zero. All credit to Mary Berry, she’s unleashed the inner Betty Crocker in us all as we yearn to be gourmet goddesses. Homemade is IN. Having no discernible skill or talent in any of these pursuits puts me firmly in the UNcool camp.

6. TURN THE VOLUME DOWN. Must the music be SO LOUD??? Please. We’re talking basement extensions here between our edamame starter and blackened cod. Have a care. Often confused with getting old, though not unlikely a consequence of losing one’s innate coolness.

5. You shop at Waitrose. All the rollers hit Aldi and Lidl, dontcha know. (See prior post.)

4. Music festivals are a bespoke version of self-harm and indescribable torture. Anywhere one might find a Wellie-wearing Alexa Chung or feather headdress-bedecked Delevagina sister puts you in a cold sweat. Mucking in mud with the great unwashed (and trendy IT girls pretending to be so) just ain’t yer thang.

3. You watch Strictly with evangelical commitment. And phone-in.

2. You’ve never been, nor have any particular care to go to Ibiza. What is Pasha again? Pardon, PACHA. (See?)

1. Finally… you’re able to compile a list counting all the ways you are just THAT UNCOOL and haven’t even scratched the surface.

Sound familiar? Fess up. Don’t be shy. Just me? Rest assured this is not an indictment. Hardly. Embrace your inner dork. Own it. Because of course, pretending to be cool is tres tres UNCOOL.